I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Is Oprah even human
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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