Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He better not be in your backpack
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
