he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
