I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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