everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
