you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I need a burrito and a hug.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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