I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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