your thong is hanging out like whoa
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
