plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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