i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
do herpes really smell.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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