i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
