I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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