just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
