She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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