it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
