It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
There r osticjed everywhere
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
