Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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