Swine flu. Run for my life!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
