I'm eating all of the evidence.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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