Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
