After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
