my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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