I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I party with great urgency now.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
