Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
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