My first STD was from a foam party
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
