she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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