I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
