my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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