the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
