i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
