She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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