Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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