I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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