just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
