I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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