life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
