glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
