he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
