Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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