It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
