so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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