what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
