my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
