textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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