WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
