i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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