Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
