i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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