My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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