She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
