Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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