fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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