You just made me feel so damn special
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
