she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Holy sore nipples Batman
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
